Bestiality, necrophilia, and that perfect holiday parking spot

Bestiality, necrophilia, and that perfect holiday parking spot

I seriously loathe the act of parking, especially during the holiday season. I will not drive the parking lot waiting for a "good one", I'd rather just park and walk. So there I was heading to the mall to pick up the xmas pics the kids and I had only taken 2 weeks prior. I puttered along slowly through the parking lot, and as luck would have it, bright white reverse lights shined only 10 spaces ahead and 2 spaces from the handicap parking. I hit the blinker and waited patiently for the occupant to vacate the "choice" spot. I could see one lane over, Mr. Fast and the Furious speeding to the end of his row. And just like the sequel he hit the turn Tokyo Drift style. But it was still too late to get my spot. As I pulled in, he honked, I ignored , other than watching him park about 12 spaces beyond me in the same row. As I was getting the kids out, he and his girlfriend (no ring) were walking by. He mumbled something under his breathe about me stealing his spot. Now I have this genetic deficiency where my mouth processes a lot faster than my brain, which in some cases can be bad, but in this case I didn't steal shit. Even though I had the kids with me I couldn't hold back my mouth. So in a very loud voice, not quite yelling I said, "Hey kids ain't this a great spot, we won't have to walk far, at all". So little man, all 5 foot 4 of him, turns and says, "Go fuck a dead goat". Yeah, now there's trouble in river city. 2 things...First of all you don't drop F bombs in front of my chitlens without taking a verbal beating, if not more. Second, and ironically, that's the second time someone of indian descent told me to "go fuck a dead goat". One of my closest friends is indian (dot, not feather) and he assured me that is not a common indian saying, but I wonder. Anyhow, as I was about to deliver my lingual weapons of mass destruction, when little man took a Coach purse upside the head from his girlfriend. She turned to me and said, "He is very sorry for the language he used in front of your kids". I tried not to laugh, thanked her, then disarmed...

As we were walking into the mall, my son asked why that lady hit that guy with her purse. I responded, "When Santa's not around, and elves get out of hand, sometimes Mrs. Claus has to put the smack down on them"

Good Luck in finding that perfect holiday parking spot...

~S

One short, according to my ThanXgiving math...

One short, according to my ThanXgiving math...

So last ThanXgiving i wrote a short, let's call it an anecdote, about a turkey named Shorty. Shorty survived last years ThanXgiving math against what i thought were insurmountable odds. To recap the story, there is a cyclone fence that separates the property i live on from the neighbors multifaceted farmville parallel. And what i mean by that is, even though its mostly unattended to, it seems to be minimally revitalized with just an hour of wasted time that you'll never get back. About 2 months before last ThanXgiving the "Farmville" let loose 21 turkeys, free range. I would arrive home from work each day and have gobblers along the fence line. But one turkey was smaller than the others and had a bum leg, always last to the fence. Now Shorty as i named him, not because of his stature, but in honor of Too Short's rap "Shorty the Pimp, He walks with a limp" according to my ThanXgiving math would be on the chopping block first. But to my surprise what i learned watching Charlotte's Web as kid does not relate to all farmers, allegedly. He must have been "Some" turkey. As the days leading up to last ThanXgiving dwindled, so did the head count. Subtraction was the only math i was doing when i arrived home each day. And Shorty was the sole survivor. So last year, in his honor, i decided to abstain from eating turkey. Until i arrived at ThanXgiving dinner, i couldn't help it, I'm a tryptophan junkie.

So an update... Shorty surprisingly survived Xmas. Say that five times fast. And spent most of his spring and summer hobbling the farm with the likes of chickens. Almost like a pimp and his corral of hoes (or coup, to be politically correct in the barnyard). Up until today. Which leads me to believe he will be resting comfortably on the good china this ThanXgiving. So this year, in his honor, i will not kid myself. Hello, My name is Scott and yes i am a tryptophan junkie. One leg will go uneaten in his honor... unless of course it makes a delicious leftover turkey sandwich...

Happy ThanXgiving to all, including Shorty